06 October 2011


Came to a point that I feel like typing some words to sum up whats going on for me so far.

Family -
Finally everything kind of stable down. Past few months life has been really hard on us. That incident hit me really hard that I cried, I faced family issues, I got to accept that i'm no longer the pampered lil 千金, I am forced to carry up the title of breadwinner for the family, I'm forced to be independent, to be stronger than ever so that parents can have me to rely on.

Sometimes I wish i am not so capable, not so independent. Now the 2 old folks is really on a retire mode because they THINK I can hold the family up. you think i thought who assume?
I really think my parents are the most fortunate parents in the world already. Need not spend much on me(no computers - thats why i always go cousins house to leech, no any electronic gadgets/games- thats why i don't even know how to control a ps3 console, no tuitions unless i beg for 1- i need to beg them to hire someone to help me pass my PSLE, no holiday trips- malaysia is the furthest i went with parents. i have none of all these that you guys have as bday presents.) & feed me till only 17. Did I mentioned everything in my house from sofa, cabinet, piano, computer, laptop, my handphones, their handphones, all from my angbao savings since Pri4. I still remember Sec 1 mum said, "wah our house so nice, you bought us new sofa & cabinet, i use your money pay one leh."

Shall not elaborate much here but i'm glad everything's over. From my past & the last few months, i realized i've grown up and learnt alot in life. I pulled thru all these nonsense, i believe everything will be fine after.

Mum & Dad, though you guys did not provide me the best, i still love you, as much, like before!

Relatives perception of me kinda changed for the better. I always believe people have eyes to see. You say I live off my parents, spent my parents money to buy all the tech gadgets/labels I owned, you take back all your words. Though I still hear judgmental statements of my jobs, I really can't be bothered to explain. Tired and enough is enough.

Love -
Veryvery blissful I would say. Nothing can I ask for more.
I lost family love(i know they still love me, which parents doesn't love their own children. i would say both of them won't have time to 'show' me that much love anymore. sadly, that also mean we kinda distant.) , but i'm happy to know there's this special someone who's willing to love me as much.

Friends -
Not much social life now. Been very anti-social to the max I agreed. I hate this too.
Can't find any excuses/explanation for myself yet.
Sorry friends, give me some time to settle down my current situation first.

Studies -
So far so good. Good as in at least I still have positive attitude for school & my modules.
I must say I over estimated myself, double degree is totally not my standard at all. All & all, I choose this path myself, I know this IS the only way to receive higher paycheques. Despite all doubtful lookings & remarks, i'm gonna struggle real hard now trying to get it over & done with the 2 years.

Work -
Not smooth. I have never-ending complains on my fulltime jobs anyway.
I always felt very imbalance for me to hold the title of Breadwinner at the age of 20.(i'm 21 this year.)
What were you people doing at 20? What are kids age of 20 doing nowadays?
I need to work my ass out, by hook or by crook make sure I find money to pay the household, fufil parents little wishes to as much as I can, pay for myself, my 22k school fees.

I understand Dad's condition, I only wish Mum could go for a part time job to lighten my weight.
Everyday I see the old man at my workplace digging pungent dustbins for cans & cardboards, I felt sorry for him. Every morning I have this 30secs of sadness in me seeing him digging the dustbins for exchanging of maybe less than 10 bucks after a day of cans/cardboard collection. I feel like giving him $10 telling him "uncle, don't pick anymore." but i know by giving him only $10 he sure won't stop. If giving him 20/30 daily that WOULD becoming spoon feeding, which is not good either. And I am not that loaded i don't know how long can I feed him too uh!
See.. this is a very good scenerio to show how as least this uncle is willing to find ways for money whereas my 2 old folks just go karaoke every evening, which made me kinda.... pissed?

Feel like taking a break & just do part time & concentrate on studies. Sometime i hope boss fire me.

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